Felicitations, malefactors and welcome to the first ever Evil Interview. This is a new series where we sit down and chat with various villains and evil entities from all kinds of different cultures and media.
IR: Our first guest is the Slender Man, internet sensation and star of the new game Slender: The Eight Pages. Welcome.
SM (Translated from [
Redacted] using arcane magicks): Thank you.
IR: So, Mr. Man, tell us a little about yourself.
SM: It’s Slenderman, actually.
IR: Oh, Jewish?
SM: R’lyehian, actually.
IR: Funny, you don’t look R’lyehian.
SM: Most people wouldn’t be able to tell, since they’d go mad just from looking at me.
IR: Mad with envy, I’d imagine. Look at that suit. Is that Armani?
SM: Aren’t we supposed to be having an interview?
IR: Oh right, sorry. *ahem* I understand you got your start on the Something Awful forums, correct?
SM: Yes. They were having a sort of scary story contest and a friend of mine asked me to lend him a hand.
IR: The contestants were supposed to create a sort of urban legend and make it seem real using pictures that they then posted to other forums, right?
SM: Yes, only at first I misunderstood.
IR: What do you mean?
SM: Well, the submitted pictures were from when I worked as a clown at a children’s party.
IR: A clown? Really? No offense, but they don’t seem very entertained.
SM: … I didn’t keep the job very long.
IR: I see.
SM: So, I thought the contest might be my chance to work on my longtime dream of becoming a popular cultural figure, beloved by millions.
IR: Hold on. Every time a camera‘s focused on you, there’s a burst of static. How’d you plan to become a pop culture icon if we can’t even see your face?
SM: What can I say? I’m camera shy. But that didn’t stop me from trying.
IR: And how’d that work out for you?
SM: People flee at the merest glimpse of me.
IR: So… not a total success, then?
IR: See, I think you’re glaring at me, but it’s a little hard to tell without a face.
SM: Can we move on?
IR: Right. This led to your popularity on the /x/ thread of 4chan for a while. What was that like?
IR: How so?
SM: Have you seen some of the threads on that site? Almost drove me mad. What is wrong with humanity?
IR: I ask myself that every day.
SM: Please tell me the answer when you find it.
IR: Will do. Over the years, you’ve appeared in various Youtube videos and blogs, such as Marble Hornets, Everyman HYBRID, and Tribe Twelve. You also just had the PC game by indie group Parsec Productions come out a few months ago. What was that like?
SM: Well at first I was very pleased. But then it was all just a lot of “stand there”, “look creepy”, and “make a hissy growl noise”. I mean, honestly, a “hissy growl noise”? What is that?
IR: The game was about you. That must count for something, right?
SM: “About me”? I don’t even have a single line!
IR: So you’re not satisfied with your career?
SM: It’s not what I expected and certainly not what I’d told my family I’d be doing.
IR: Family… like your cousin Trender Man? Let’s talk about him.
SM: Ugh, must we? I hate just thinking about that flamboyant prima don.
IR: I take it you two don’t get along?
SM: We never have. My whole life, he’s been flaunting about, criticizing my appearance, sneering at me.
IR: How exactly do you sneer without a face?
SM: It’s all in the posture.
IR: Ah. Well, we have quite a surprise for you today.
SM: Please tell me you didn’t…
IR: Come on out, Trender Man.
SM: Oh, [static burst].
TM: Cousin! Darling. How’ve you been? Mwah, kisses!
SM: What are you doing here? What is he doing here?
TM: They invited me. Something about a family meeting. I thought it sounded lovely… except for this mic attachment. Can I get this in another color? Maybe mauve?
IR: We actually have another surprise for the two of you. Let’s bring outSplendor Man.
TM: You didn’t!?
IR: Why? What’s the problem?
TM: The problem is he freaks us out.
SM: Always smiling, all the time. It’s just unnerving. I can’t believe we’re brothers.
TM: Not to mention his fashion sense. I mean look at him. Polka dots and a bow tie? Really? He looks like a hobo who got hired to entertain a kid’s party.
SM: And what, exactly, is wrong with working as a children’s entertainer?
TM: Oh honestly, not this again.
SM: No, please. I’d like to hear your opinions on my life choices. You seem to have so many of them.
IR: Uh, guys…?
TM: Sweetie, I only give you advice ‘cuz I think you’d appreciate the help. Your suit for example. It’s all dusty and covered in… is that brain matter? That’s not what I mean when I say something’s a “fashion no-brainer”.
SM: I don’t have to sit here for this. [removes mic] This @#$% is not worth $20.
[footsteps. sound of door opening and shutting]
TM: Oh don’t be like that. Come to Soho and meet my tailor. A nice change of clothes and you’ll feel all better, I’m sure…
[sound of door again]
IR: Well, I… guess that concludes our interview. Just as well. I only had a ten and a couple ones on me.
[sound of mic being removed]
IR: Hey, Splendor Man. You wanna grab a bite? I know a place that makes a mean catfish po’ boy…
[end of audio]